Saturday Night Live Intro Twin Peaks spoof
INT. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE STAGE
We FOCUS on a CLOSE-UP of the logo for the show and ZOOM OUT.
ANNOUNCER
Lady's and gentlemen, Kyle MacLachlan.
KYLE MACLACHLAN steps out from the behind the double doors that lead to the stage and walks forward towards the audience as the nearby band plays the show's theme.
We ZOOM IN on KYLE as he smiles brightly as the audience greets him with an applause.
MACLACHLAN
The audience begin to quiet down.
MACLACHLAN
Thank you very much. Nice to be here and its an honor to be hosting the opening show of Saturday Night Live. Well one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is in order to show another side of his talent and personality. And in my case since most of you probably know me from the eccentric character I played on 'Blue Velvet' and uh ...
The audience applause.
MACLACHLAN
KYLE smiles brightly.
MACLACHLAN
Thanks, and uh ... of course, Agent Cooper from 'Twin Peaks.'
The audience applause.
MACLACHLAN
I uh I was especially anxious for you to see what, you know, what I'm like as a person. So this may seem a little unusual I don’t know if they've done this before but I thought I'd open up the floor to any questions you might - you might have about me. So?
A WOMAN in the audience raises her hand and waves it. KYLE spots her and points to her to speak.
MACLACHLAN
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
Yeah, uhm ... where you from?
MACLACHLAN
A few in audience giggle. KYLE points to another person in the audience.
MACLACHLAN
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
Is your name pronounced Mac - clock - land?
MACLACHLAN
Its Mac - loc - land, close. Its Scottish.
An audience member in the front row has his hand raised. KYLE spots him.
MACLACHLAN
The man, wearing a plaid shirt, stands up with a jacket draped over his right arm.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3
Uh yeah this isn't so much question about you but I'm a big Twin Peaks fan and I was kinda' wondering are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?
MACLACHLAN
Yeah, its uh ... its Shelly the waitress and uh ...
A few in audience break into laughter.
MACLACHLAN
... they're going to reveal that in the last episode, so.
KYLE scans the audience.
MACLACHLAN
Any uh ... any more questions or? Okay, look we've got a great show tonight. Sinead O'Conner is here.
The audience and KYLE clap.
ANNOUNCER
KYLE looks around the stage.
ANNOUNCER
MACLACHLAN
ANNOUNCER
Kyle could you come to the control room for a moment? There's a phone call for you.
MACLACHLAN
KYLE looks at the audience.
MACLACHLAN
KYLE walks off stage to the left. KYLE walks past the television cameras and the camera crew, walks up a hallway and walks into the control room for the show.
One of the control room OPERATOR'S holds a telephone.
OPERATOR
MACLACHLAN
The OPERATOR hands KYLE the telephone.
MACLACHLAN
David, hey are you watching?
LYNCH
Well there's nothing else good on.
MACLACHLAN
An unintelligible slur of words barks from the phone.
MACLACHLAN
Well he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?
LYNCH
How long have you been in this business!
MACLACHLAN
Look, I've been in the business for six years David, you know that.
Again, a loud slur of unintelligible words barks from the phone as DAVID angrily scolds KYLE.
DISSOLVE TO:
We view a black and white image of DAVID LYNCH titled 'Voice of David Lynch.'
BACK TO SCENE:
LYNCH
... back to Yakuma, Washington!
MACLACHLAN
Well what good would it be tell ... its Shelly, David. I mean the episode's been shot. Its Shelly okay. I mean they're going to find out eventually.
LYNCH
I KNOW THAT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! DON'T TELL ANYMORE!
DAVID barks out a few orders for KYLE to follow.
MACLACHLAN
DAVID continues to yell out instructions.
MACLACHLAN
Yes, yes sir. Okay, I understand. Okay, I'll try.
LYNCH
KYLE returns the phone to its receiver.
MACLACHLAN
Watching the scene the whole time, the audience clap and cheer as KYLE makes his way back to the stage.
Nervously wringing his hands, KYLE stands center stage facing the audience.
MACLACHLAN
Uh ... uh ... excuse me I uh ... I want to say one thing. Earlier when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress killing Laura Palmer, I - I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that it was joke. And uh... I mean, obviously I wouldn't come out here and - and tell you that uh ... uh that it was real and uh ... and ruin my chances of being in the second season. I mean only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood would, who deserves a real big spanking, would uh ... would do such a stupid thing like that. So, anyway we've got a great show so stick around. We'll be right back.
The audience clap and cheer. We ZOOM OUT.
FADE TO BLACK:
